So we were in the publix parking lot and there was this lady walking slowly in front of a spot we were trying to park in and my dad spun the tires because hes an asshole and i’m like
“dad cmon thats not even 5 points”
and he just chuckled darkly.
So today we were talking about Darwin in class and some kids like “why would some guy sit around and watch birds all day” and my teacher said “I dont know I guess he just really loved birds” and I said “I hope he doesnt love birds like how Nikola Tesla liked birds” and nobody laughed and now Im even quieter in that class than before and Im not even sure how thats possible.
hands up if you sing duets with yourself
Fuck that I sing “Bohemian Rhapsody” by myself
IS THIS THE REAL LIFE
if you cunts think you’re about to start singing bohemian rhapsody on my post I will kick you so fucking hard your mother’s mother will feel it
is this just fantasy…
caught in a landslide…
no escape from reality…
open your eyes…
look up to the skies and seeeeeeee
(Source: drlectere, via jehanisnotdead-deactivated20130)
Wayward son?
More like
Wayward Done
Who is this John Green guy? Will I be sad if I read his books? I am not particularly in the mood for sad romantic books (which is weirdly the impression I get from him BUT I COULD BE TOTALLY WRONG)
No you won’t be sad! You’ll like them! They don’t even have sad parts! People who tell you they have sad and/or romantic parts are LYING.
No Romance, No Sadness. That’s my MOTTO.
(via rosydoctor)
if my jokes offend you
1. i’m sorry
2. i won’t do it again
3. tell me what i did wrong so that i can avoid doing it in the future
4. because im not an asshole who is completely indifferent to other people’s feelings for the sake of making shitty offensive jokes
5.LOL deal with it asshole, I make whatever jokes i want, you dont ooooowwwwn me
(via johnlock-in-a-tardis)
why fall in love when you can fall asleep
I fell in love the way I (and everyone on tumblr) fall asleep:
Not at all
(via mishacollinsology)
Tom Hanks says grace at dinner
Tom Thanks
Tom Hanks needs to deposit money
Tom Banks
Tom Hanks plays Tug-o-War
Tom Yanks
Tom Hanks can’t remember
Tom Blanks
Tom Hanks stabs a bloke
Tom Shanks
Tom Hanks takes a boat ride
Tom Cruise
i like the subtle change in the last one
Tom Hanks becomes a ghetto alcoholic
Tom Dranks
(Source: hats-and-horses, via forevercryingbecausemerlin)
fast fact: there are mites on your eyelashes right now
have a nice day!
i hope u die in a house fire
I hope you die in a ceiling fire
(via hitlersasshole)
